The Top 10 Sexiest Female Athletes in the Winter Olympics

The Top 10 Sexiest Female Athletes in the Winter Olympics

Thanks to a variety of sports with the mass appeal of a John Madden pilates workout video and NBC's continued dedication to tape delayed coverage, the 2010 Winter Olympics have become an afterthought in the minds of people who live in places both boring and cold enough to care about them. It's going to take something truly special to spice up the 21st Olympiad and make us take notice. Perhaps something in a D-Cup with tight abs and presumed athletic ability?

10. Claudia Toth, Curling (Austria)

Like most female athletes not associated with the WNBA or the North Dakota State “girls” wrestling team, when Toth isn’t honing her athletic craft or collecting 11th place participation ribbons, she enjoys balancing celebrity boyfriends, turning down offers to appear in German Playboy, and giving curling their first legitimate sex icon since Russ Howard retired his bonspiel banana hammock in the late 1980s after Wayne Middaugh accused him of  picking up Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds during the Canadian Brier.

While Toth herself is regarded as the Tony Romo of the curling world (mediocre ability and willing to go slumming with Jessica Simpson after enough alcohol), she has become one of the sport’s top ambassadors. In 2005, Toth posed nude in a “Women of Curling Calendar” to help raise money for the sport and give teenage boys throughout Eastern Europe something to pleasure themselves to between Baywatch reruns and Jesper Parnevik highlights.
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9. Lindsey Vonn, Downhill Skiing (U.S.A)

In order to prepare for the 2010 Olympic Games, Vonn used the patented “pose in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue half-naked” technique (not to be confused with the Mark Sanchez “pose as a Baywatch lifeguard in GQ” strategy that eventually backfired). With her caboose proudly directed toward the heavens that clearly sculpted it, Vonn assumed the position and smiled for the cameras that eventually placed her in the iconic publication.

Think “being hot” is a poor training technique? Think again! Despite suffering a serious shin injury before the Olympics, Vonn won a gold medal in her first event of the Games and is the favorite to win several more before the closing ceremonies.
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8. Allison Baver, Short Track Speed Skating (U.S.A.)

Sure, Allison Baver has yet to win a medal in any of the three Olympic Games she’s participated in, but much like a fat kid struggling to climb a rope in gym class or the 2009 Kansas City Royals – she’s trying really hard. As a strict student of the Alex Rodriguez training regimen, Baver adheres to a steady diet of hard work, provocative modeling shoots, and refusal to give up (unless things get difficult).
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7. Chemmy Alcott, Alpine Skiing (Great Britain)

 Outside of flexible drinking laws and a complete abandonment of oral hygiene norms, perhaps the best thing going on in jolly old England these days is alpine skier Chemmy Alcott and her award-winning ass (assuming you count “Olympian that my one-armed neighbor wants to nail in his windowless van” as a legitimate award.) Alcott is a five-time senior British skiing champion and three time Olympian also looking for her first Olympic medal in the 2010 games. Let’s hope the I.O.C. eliminated the aesthetic pity category that has presumably helped Alcott’s competitors in previous competition.
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6. Noelle Pikus-Pace, Skeleton (U.S.A.)

After spending the 2007-2008 season on the injured reserve with a mild case of “pregnancy,” Pikus-Pace has recovered nicely and is primed for a great showing in a fictional-sounding event called “Skeleton.” Pikus-Pace has already announced that the Vancouver Games will likely be her last, as she is ready to focus on other pursuits like “staying hot during middle age” and “questioning why the Oakland Raiders signed their kicker to a $16 million contract extension.”
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5. Gretchen Bleiler, Snowboarding (U.S.A)

After being dubbed “too attractive” to continue living in her hometown of Toledo, Ohio, Gretchen Bleiler moved west to Colorado where she began a professional snowboarding career that would eventually earn her a 2009 Teen Choice Award nomination for "Best Other Action Sports Athlete – Female."

Bleiler is the reigning Olympic silver medalist and an accomplished X-Games competitor who, according to her impressively extensive Wikipedia page, has been a special guest panelist during “What Teens Want Week,” served as the editor of a graphic novel, and helps fight crime with the help of a possibly homosexual bird-named sidekick and elderly butler. Bleiler is also an outspoken advocate against global warming, which seems like a slight conflict of interest, given her job is dependant on cold weather and snow.
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4. Julia Mancuso, Some Sort of Skiing (U.S.A.)

As the only American born athlete to serve as both an Olympic gold medalist and part-time lingerie model, Julia Mancuso is not just another spandex jockey hoping to parlay an impressive skiing performance into a Flavor of Love cameo, but she also serves as a welcomed contradiction to bitter feminists everywhere who claim that ugly women are just as likely to succeed as the beautiful ones.

Ever the pioneer, Mancusso has spent her life trying to make women’s sports less ugly by launching a campaign to help an “ongoing effort to showcase exceptional women ski athletes who are also attractive and inspiring.” The perfectly sculpted athlete (who was probably mean to fat people in high school) added that “underwear is my calling.” Because anybody can win gold medals, but it takes some serious talent to pose half naked for a Victoria’s Secret catalogue.
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3. Anni Friesinger, Speed Skating (Germany)

If the question “Which speed skating gold medalist has posed in German pornography?” ever comes up during family trivia night, remember the name “Anni Friesinger.” This 33-year-old bombshell nicknamed “Super Sexy Anni” (the Germans are more efficient than they are clever) spread her world class legs for Stern Magazine and has appeared half naked in several other Mensa-quality publications with shiny pictures and editorial content usually reserved for the back of cereal boxes.
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2. Kiira Korpi, Figure Skate (Finland)

According to the inter-web, Finland is famous for baked goods, cell phones, and exceptional social benefits. What it doesn’t say (besides how to locate this adorable little country on a map) is how a nation regarded as the red-headed stepchild of Scandinavia has produced one of the single hottest athletes to compete at the 2010 Olympic Winter Games. As a barely legal addition to the women’s figure skating program, Korpi is a breath of beautiful air in a sport that has recently lost a bit of its feminine luster.
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1. Tanith Belbin, Ice Dancing (U.S.A)

Outside of an entertainingly high amount of post-routine crying and a collection of fuchsia spandex that would make Prince stand up in his six-inch rhinestone heels to apathetically applaud, there's very few aspects of Olympic Ice Dancing that make it more entertaining than an episode of Who Wants to Make Love to Drew Carey Behind An Ohio Convenience Store? (Which is a shockingly high-rated program amongst South American prison inmates.) It's slow, dull, and features a disgusting amount of Celine Dion love ballads. Much like professional bowling or any Renée Zellweger movie, there's virtually no reason to ever watch. That is, of course, except for Tanith Belbin.

The 25-year-old ice princess won a silver medal in the 2006 Winter Olympics (losing to someone less attractive/deserving) and will try to finally achieve her lifelong dream later this week - which is either winning a gold medal or giving teenage boys with parental Internet restrictions a healthy alternative.