Top 10: Masculinity Myths

Top 10: Masculinity Myths

When we ask the question “Is Cheating Ok At A Bachelor Party?” the following is the responce with a litany of opinions. But perhaps none was more polarizing than this:

"Cross the line. Get laid with the stripper. Twice, if you can. Lie to your girlfriend, your "soulmate."  Live life to the fullest. And, as proof of your love, you'll never let her know about this. Look her in the eye and lie like a politician. And since you're on it, do her too, right there, when you tell her that "the party was great" and "I didn't have sex twice with that hot stripper.


Be a man. The only thing fear has to fear is you. See a cop behind a sign? Pull him over. Pencil broke? Write in blood. Electric fence has sign "don't touch it"? Lick it. Jerk says "bite me"? Go for the jugular."


The male describes what he thinks it means to be a man: screwing a stripper, lying to girlfriends, being violent. All we can say is that if this is what passes for masculinity these days, then we men are in trouble. But rather than idly watch mankind screw itself into irrelevance, we decided to dispel 10 masculinity myths, with the hopes of creating a better tomorrow for men (and women) everywhere. 


No.10 Real men lie to women

Lying to a woman -- especially one you love -- should never be easy. But some men -- whose moral centers have been eroded by watching too many episodes of Jersey Shore -- can lie to a woman with relative ease. It becomes really alarming when these men take pride in their deceit, rather than feel remorse. The real men are the ones that own up to their mistakes, take responsibility for their actions and tell their women the truth. They’re also usually single.


No.9 Real men get real drunk

Men often believe that the more beers they can slam or the more Jager Bombs they can guzzle, the more masculine they become. But what sounds more manly? Having a glass of fine scotch on a cold winter night while sitting by the fire next to the woman you love? Or crushing tall cans by the minute with your drunkard friends and waking up under the toilet in a pile of your own puke? Tough call. 





No.8 Real men watch football (exclusively)

Men by nature are competitive. Since the days of the gladiators, they’ve taken pride and pleasure in beating other men at pretty much anything. Running, jumping, wrestling, spaghetti-squash-throwing -- you name it. These days, some men are of the opinion that American football is the embodiment of masculinity: Yes, it is a sport based on strength, speed, agility, and pain. It is a sport where men have a distinct advantage over women. It is a sport that rewards its top performers with fame, money, power, and women. But to all the men who believe football is the be all and end all of masculinity, we say this: Watch a game of playoff hockey, then come talk to us. 





No.7 Real men know that salad is for sissies

We’ll be the first to admit that there’s something inherently manly about a heaping plate of smoked brisket and buttery rosemary potatoes, and there’s certainly few things more satisfying after a long, hard day at work. But with everything we know today about cholesterol and red meat’s contribution to heart disease, it wouldn’t hurt to eat some greens once in a while. After all, what’s the point of being a real man if you’re not alive to enjoy it?





No.6 Real men travel in packs

There’s perhaps no social gathering that feels manlier than a bachelor party, a final celebration of one man’s passing from our world to the afterlife. Or at least that’s what your buddies tell you while they’re holding you upside down over your Vegas hotel room balcony. There’s something about the process of coming together in order to achieve one common goal (in this case, getting drunk and laid) that taps into a man’s most primal urges. When men get together, it doesn’t matter what they’re doing or with whom they’re doing it, as long as they’re doing it with a deep crew. But there’s also something to be said for the lone wolf, the solitary voyager, the quiet thinker, who -- while you and your friends are getting your pockets emptied by good-at-their-job strippers -- is figuring out the quickest way to get from Ghana to Namibia alone by foot. There’s nothing manlier than that.

No.5 Real men are players

Picture this: You wake up after a night of heavy drinking next to a woman you barely know. Let’s call her “asymmetrical” for politeness’ sake. She kisses you with breath fit for a banshee. You squirm. You spend the next 15 minutes trying to locate your underwear amid a pile of her crumpled clothes and various Wes Anderson DVDs scattered violently throughout her dark, dank bedroom. Eventually, you decide to forgo the underwear, only to find them once you’re fully dressed. You stuff the underwear in your coat pocket, kiss her damp forehead goodbye and stumble home with your dignity just a distant memory. Now repeat. It’s a glimpse into the life of a player, and there ain’t nothin’ manly about it.





No.4 Real men have a "personal style"

The rise of the metrosexual caused a backlash that made it distinctly effete to take any pride in dressing. Instead of making carefully curated sartorial choices, men often choose the opposite route and dress down any chance they get. Ratty old T-shirts, torn jeans, a backwards ball cap, and worn sneakers have become the de facto uniform for a man trying to assert his masculinity. To these men we say: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Tom Brady, David Beckham. You get the point.





No.3 Real men throw money around

Money may buy you a 500-foot yacht, your very own Chinese crested hairless puppy and a lifetime supply of pizza-flavored Pringles, but it won’t always buy you happiness (unless you happen to really, really love pizza-flavored Pringles). Most men are taught from an early age that their primary role on this planet is to act as provider, so spending money is invariably associated with masculinity. The truth is, real men are secure enough to pursue their passions, no matter how small the paycheck. Struggling artists, unite!





No.2 Real men look like Ronnie (from Jersey Shore)

The boys from Jersey Shore have done everything in their power to convince men everywhere that getting jacked means getting laid. But before you go ahead and order The Situation’s workout DVD, consider this: If Ronnie and co. realized that you don’t have to be he-man to be a man and spent more time exercising their minds (perhaps some Chaucer?) than their abs, the grenade count at Casa Guido would be significantly reduced. And, no, reading Flex magazine on the can doesn’t count. 

No.1 Real men fight

We’re still not sure why some men resort to fisticuffs in order to prove their manliness. There’s perhaps nothing more barbaric than watching two boozy meatheads trade blows outside a club, usually for reasons as mundane as a scuffed sneaker. Don’t get us wrong. We’re the first to promote fighting as a method of defending yourself or the ones you love from physical harm. But punching someone in the face because you like the way spilled blood looks on the sidewalk or the way a shattered nose feels against your knuckles isn’t manly; it’s moronic.